Ivan the Terrible

Ivan the Terrible

Yesterday (Saturday) Andy and I climbed a volcano. Now, the preparation for which consisted of press ups daily, star jumps, and a rustic made skipping rope fashioned from blue rope wrapped in duct tape. I must say it is quite an efficient piece of kit even if it is killing the pair of us. We have been working out for a good three or four days prior to our expedition.

Our guide, Ivan, is a worker at the Hotel Castillo in Altagracia. A really nice and animated chap who takes good care to ensure his Spanish is understood with all manner of hand gestures and facial expressions. A nice chap and certainly has the talk. Last week we walked up from Altagracia towards Urbite, our home town and he walked a Km with us and we discussed climbing Conception, the highest volcano of the two and still active. He said he was the number 3 guide for getting up the volcano, some other chap we had never heard of was number 1 and a guy called Naphtali was number 2. We thought Ok, no worries, we like this guy seems to have it all sorted so we arranged to meet him yesterday morning at 5.00am at La Sabana about 1 Km out of Altagracia.

I can tell you it was not a pretty site yesterday at 3.30am. Two grown men stumbling around as if with no sight, coordination or stature. Hunched over looking for random bits of clothes and bumping into each other frequently with the odd grunt. We were a shambles, and so would any self respecting man at such an hour. We made it to the kitchen for breakfast only to find that Anaglasia had got up and made us a full breakfast. What a great woman. We were fully stuffed with Guyapinto, plantain, corn flakes, and fried cheese. Mmmmm. And, with a full mug of thick dark coffee we were well on our way to progressing from our Neanderthal state. 4.15am we left the CVC in Urbite and commenced our 45 minute walk to La Sabana to meet Ivan.

We had met him the day before in Altagracia to confirm all was good for the morning.

So, 45 minutes later we were at La Sabana, and propped ourselves against a wall on the side of the road and watched the sun lift itself into our sky.

The 45 minute walk had also destroyed one of our ruck sacks which we bought the day before in Altagracia, the whole back had just dropped off it. What could we expect for 110 Nicaraguan cordobas (£1.80). So one back pack down 5.30am and no sign of Ivan. Now those who know me know that am not one for being messed around. If you aint gonna make it on time, then let me know. If you aint gonna make it at all, let me know. So 5.45, no Ivan and the Quinn was starting to get somewhat frustrated that over 2 hours after getting out of my scratcher, Ivan was nowhere to be seen. The Quinn was not happy, but the Elliott was keeping me in control.

6.30am and still no sign of Ivan. That was it, no one was going to take the pee out of the Quinn. I was stood up on the side of the road and ready to go. To add insult to injury, 20 minutes prior a group of guys with their guide walked past on their way up the volcano, their guide shouting over to us, ‘who are you waiting for’ to which we replied Ivan, his reply was ‘well, he says he is a guide, but I aint going to say anything’! Arghhhh – he had said all he needed to say, that was it, no amount of grace or self control was making me stay there any longer, I had no interest in waiting any longer and certainly did not want to climb a volcano. 6.45am and I had had it. Off I stormed with the Elliott back to Urbite.

Now, here is where a few things, change. As we walked back up the road to Urbite, about 100meters we came across a bus stop with Ivan, on his back, paws up, Zeds flying all over the place, shirt just about on him. It’s the sort of look you usually get from someone who has had a bit of a session with Tona the night before.

Andy and I stood there, looked at this fellow and wondered if indeed this was our guide to take us up a 1610m active volcano. It was!

Andy uttered the words ‘Ivan’ in a soft manner and up shot Ivan. Completely delirious, like a rabbit in the headlights, mumbling Spanish that was not on the CD I learnt from. He then realised who we were and what we were doing there. I would have loved to say he smiled at us and said come on boys lets give this volcano some stick. But no, he had indeed had a date with Tona the night before and from my understanding of the situation she was flying through his veins in abundance.

I looked at him and thought, right then; this will teach you a lesson.

Andy and I looked at each other and decided, yeah, come on, let’s mount this thing. So we did. Like a couple of greyhounds out of the traps. Again, I would love to say that Ivan was right with us, leading the way and showing us how to get up the thing, but oh no, he was way behind, struggling to make sense of it all and wondering was this all worth C$600. We let him have it, and I mean we really let him have it. We would stop every 20 minutes to get some water on board and wait for Ivan to get to us. He would then lie down on his back and seek out some sleep. He would be on his back for the best part of 3 minutes and we were like, right then, lets go. He was crushed. We were guiding him up this thing and he was struggling to keep up with our pace, but fair play to him, he kept going. I am not too sure if I would have been able to do it with a huge hangover, but he did.

Mind you, he had not had any breakfast, he had no food with him, no first aid kit, he had no water. Nothing. This was our guide and were feeding and watering him. In truth, it was a farce.

It was great, we past everybody, Naphtali and his group, another group and even met a guy on his way back down cos he couldn’t go any further. We were motoring; it was the Elliott Quinn show in full swing. And I mean FULL swing. Ivan always far off behind us. Still, he did earn his money; there were a couple of turns that we would simply have missed without him. The terrain was dreadful and relentless and the last 2 hours were really hard work. For pretty much all of the 1610m it rises at something between 40 – 45 degrees. Its no joke.

The last hour was unbelievable. We were in a full on wind battering us and as we neared the crater we were blasted with grit and rain. It was unbelievable. We met people coming down who had not made it to the crater because the wind could just suck you into it. We were a little apprehensive, but we were also exceptionally careful. For the last few meters we were on our hands and knees, being blasted by winds of what I would say were 50 – 60 miles and hour, enough to take you off your feet. We scrambled to the crater. What an experience, 4 hours it had taken us to get up which is actually a very fast pace (Ivan was still in shock and wondering what the hell had happened to him that day). We got to the edge and peered over into the volcano. We could see nothing really, except for the white steam and sulphur that came out of this thing. The sulphur was pungent and only really present right at the craters edge. We were getting pummelled by the wind, grit and rain. Ash all over the craters edge, and the ground we were sitting on was hot. What an experience, and one not many will have achieved, in fact we were the only people on that volcano that day who go to the craters edge. It was amazing. We got the camera out and took a couple of photos, but to be honest it was so difficult to keep anything still with all the wind that we don’t hold much hope for the photos. But hey, what an experience.

We stayed there for 5 minutes and that was it. We were soaking, and had to get out of the wind. Ivan sprung into action, maybe his weekly fill of sulphur had topped him up but he was off like a hare. He led all the way down the volcano. He was great.

The descent was very hard on me, with a very dodgy knee I really struggled, we just kept slipping sliding and falling all over the place, how we did not hurt ourselves I don’t know, but then, I am sitting on a mattress with Andy to my right typing this and neither of us are able to walk with any sense of elegance. We look like we were riding a bull all day yesterday!

Still we got down in 4 ½ hours which was ok, but not great. We took Ivan for a beer (well a couple) and had a good laugh at his expense, paid him and went home for tea. 7.30pm The Elliott and the Quinn were both in bed pushing up some well earnt Zeds.

Today, neither of us have the ability to walk. YAY. What an experience.

Oh and did I mention Andy sharing the back seat of a minibus with a dolled up transvestite?? He did not even know till I told him afterwards. His reaction i shall leave between myself and him!